is my daily routine fostering an attachment to certain comforts...is my sense of well being dependent on factors outside my own personal growth?
yeah.
okay, so now is when i say i deactivated my facebook and now am engaging in an effort to retire my smoking habit.
but that these efforts have served mostly to emphasize the other things i turn to for distraction and nourishment that dont actually serve me.
like
beer
like
unhealthy foods
like
inauthentic social engagement
i could use a massage, a yoga class, a detox, i know
instead, every day i make decisions to do otherwise
and then i sorta beat myself up about it
i think a lot of humans do this sort of thing when theyre forced with their own honest assessment of what needs to be done
some people just do it
right then
not i, said kris
not all the time anyway
theres a lot of positive shit going down anyway
my friends are good, i have a boyfriend right now who is pretty sweet, seems to think i'm one of his favorite people right now, i have a bicycle, my cat is flea infested and dirty, but otherwise seems all right
(RIP tomas.)

i really admire women with real sharp analytic skills, an enduring wit, and even an uncompromising sense of self.
they can be sort of hard to make friends with, but i'm not really concerned with making a new friend, i'm more interested in the idea that you dont have to appeal to everyone.
i guess i'm just going to be appealing to myself and maybe the clarity that comes with this sort of endeavor will reveal who it is i really like in the first place. (i'm uncertain right now)
you can get too soft concerning yourself with opening your heart, healing emotional wounds, directing most thoughts obsessively around one figure you maybe like to sleep beside. softness, in some places, is key to giving and receiving comfort in a highly isolating world, but cant be soft all over.
i'm really undercutting my potential here. i've succeeded in stunting my development with softness that sort of just turned into lack of will, a too confused sense of self, a lazy, uninterested participant in my own experience.
thats not to say i've not also grown kinder, more acquainted with the fluid nature of reality, of human relationships, the impossibility of knowing how it is and resigning to the fun of good debate without the total sense of free falling with nothing at all to grasp onto.
i cant wait til i have it all figured out before i refine the skills i'm working with. though that seems to have been my plan for the past few years.
i'll just wait it out. boredom and loneliness prey on this sort of attitude.
there's a lot to be said for a little bit of self-centric 'tude. a little too much Buddhist studies really had me thinkin my ego was standin between me and peace, but its important good and healthy to be a good character on this plane, to preserve and groom your ego to be a good one, a fun friend to bring to the party. the lines between unadulterated essence and the personality you create day to day is not visible. you just cant worry about it unless you're gonna om yourself silly on a mountain by yourself for a few years.
otherwise, its probably best to git outta that shit and into some stuff more easily and enjoyable expressed sharply, confidently, and coolly.
this is what you get, big decision, daily, run with it, stop smoking cigarettes, delete the facebook, keep the eyes open.

love makes me sad. of course abundance and sweetness creep up and in squeezing bit by bit outward, but loss is all i can think. the two are so closely entwined, my heart doesnt want this, its terrified.
so little heart, i'll pet you like a cat, let you know it'll be fun, you might like it. it wont last, nothing can, this is true, but what makes permanence so appealing? the constant shifts waves folding over each other and enveloping itself, the great big sea, human beings making love authentically, 'swhat heals the isolation, the fear, the drift away from existence, brought back by eyes looking in your direction while the movement happens. open like a bud, you sweet hard thing, it could be great. relax into it, i'll hold your hand, i'll stroke your back, i'll let the sorrow come when its time for that, we cant sit here forever in this sadness, friend.

nerves and feelings.

i'm not dead yet.

thats pretty cool and scary.

i am grateful this morning that aside from my rapid heart beat and inability to gather a satisfying breath, along with  feelings of regret, guilt, and general emptiness, i have not gone blind, stopped my heart, gotten into a devastating accident, or anything else that is likely to happen when you trash your body the way i have the past few days (weeks?). another opportunity to be a healthy adult. 

slong as i dont hyperventilate or somethin in the next few hours. 

thanks body, for generally sleeping pretty well every night, for resting and rejuvenating, for digesting food, for engaging unused muscles on command, for resisting every message i've sent that seems to say "i dont care about you" and just keeping all this stuff goin.

i hope the blood finds its way back to my heart and it loves something when that does happen.

i will try not to devastate my brain and soul and general well being this way again. 

this is my apology to myself. i'm sorry.