is my daily routine fostering an attachment to certain comforts...is my sense of well being dependent on factors outside my own personal growth?
yeah.
okay, so now is when i say i deactivated my facebook and now am engaging in an effort to retire my smoking habit.
but that these efforts have served mostly to emphasize the other things i turn to for distraction and nourishment that dont actually serve me.
like
beer
like
unhealthy foods
like
inauthentic social engagement
i could use a massage, a yoga class, a detox, i know
instead, every day i make decisions to do otherwise
and then i sorta beat myself up about it
i think a lot of humans do this sort of thing when theyre forced with their own honest assessment of what needs to be done
some people just do it
right then
not i, said kris
not all the time anyway
theres a lot of positive shit going down anyway
my friends are good, i have a boyfriend right now who is pretty sweet, seems to think i'm one of his favorite people right now, i have a bicycle, my cat is flea infested and dirty, but otherwise seems all right
(RIP tomas.)

i really admire women with real sharp analytic skills, an enduring wit, and even an uncompromising sense of self.
they can be sort of hard to make friends with, but i'm not really concerned with making a new friend, i'm more interested in the idea that you dont have to appeal to everyone.
i guess i'm just going to be appealing to myself and maybe the clarity that comes with this sort of endeavor will reveal who it is i really like in the first place. (i'm uncertain right now)
you can get too soft concerning yourself with opening your heart, healing emotional wounds, directing most thoughts obsessively around one figure you maybe like to sleep beside. softness, in some places, is key to giving and receiving comfort in a highly isolating world, but cant be soft all over.
i'm really undercutting my potential here. i've succeeded in stunting my development with softness that sort of just turned into lack of will, a too confused sense of self, a lazy, uninterested participant in my own experience.
thats not to say i've not also grown kinder, more acquainted with the fluid nature of reality, of human relationships, the impossibility of knowing how it is and resigning to the fun of good debate without the total sense of free falling with nothing at all to grasp onto.
i cant wait til i have it all figured out before i refine the skills i'm working with. though that seems to have been my plan for the past few years.
i'll just wait it out. boredom and loneliness prey on this sort of attitude.
there's a lot to be said for a little bit of self-centric 'tude. a little too much Buddhist studies really had me thinkin my ego was standin between me and peace, but its important good and healthy to be a good character on this plane, to preserve and groom your ego to be a good one, a fun friend to bring to the party. the lines between unadulterated essence and the personality you create day to day is not visible. you just cant worry about it unless you're gonna om yourself silly on a mountain by yourself for a few years.
otherwise, its probably best to git outta that shit and into some stuff more easily and enjoyable expressed sharply, confidently, and coolly.
this is what you get, big decision, daily, run with it, stop smoking cigarettes, delete the facebook, keep the eyes open.